Beanstalk Web Solutions is nearing its tenth year in business. We’ve seen much success over the years, but there’s one crucial thing we never quite got around to doing: Choosing a mascot.
Yes, there’s a beanstalk-like growth on our logo, but that’s no mascot. We need a fun, relatable character; something with eyes, a mouth, and hopefully, a soul. Some good-natured little critter we can lean on like a crutch, propping up any and all of our marketing material that will hopefully, eventually, spin-off into a syndicated Beanstalk TV series (cha-ching $_$).
Tim Hebel
Our fearless leader. This may come as a shock to some of you, but Tim is made entirely of plant material. Tim is planted, from the knees down, in an enormous pot of soil. We’ve devised an intricate set of dollies, pulleys and numerous other simple machines that allow him to move freely about the office. It’s a shocking sight, so there is some concern here about marketability. Are our customers ready to see this? Is the world ready to see this? We aren’t sure just yet.
Mr. Bean
It’s right in his name. It’s right there. Open your eyes.
Mr. Bean would be quite the catch. If any of our readers know Mr. Rowan Atkinson, please reach out. We don’t have much to offer, but just continue to stress the fact that our company’s name is Beanstalk and his character’s name is Bean.
We aren’t sure if we’ll just have him do a Mr. Bean impression the entire time or if we’ll allow him to speak in some sort of discernible language.
The Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk is, to our knowledge, the first bean-based hero to ever appear in superhero fiction. The Hulk is green, like our company’s titular bean, but the similarities don’t stop there. The Hulk is also prone to immense bouts of anger and can throw cars the length of multiple city blocks, much like our talented team.
His defining superpower is his indestructible pants that refuse to rip, even when he grows to ten times his normal size. We are unsure of how easy he will be to work with, but we do appreciate that he’ll likely make our competitors shudder with fear.
Jolly Green Giant
We aren’t sure how this guy is any different from the Hulk. They are both large, green men that truly stand for something. Instead of fighting crime, this guy seems to be all about vegetables. And whereas the Hulk is an objectively angry man, this big green thing couldn’t be more jolly. Maybe they are cousins? We’ve contacted a genealogist.
Why are we throwing him in the running for our new mascot? He’s a green plant guy! That’s the main running joke here and it’s actually not lazy at all.
Mr. Peanut
Is a peanut a bean? It has to be. It definitely isn’t a fruit. As a company, we believe that if something is roundish and small, then it is a bean. This may be controversial, but it’s a virtue we were founded upon, and it’s hard to argue with the success that has come since.
Mr. Peanut is an obvious choice not only because we have established that he is, in fact, a bean. Mr. Peanut is also very rich (as evidenced by his monocle, large tophat, and fancy cane). We are also almost certain that he has a tiny little car he could zoom around in to better promote our brand.
Robert Plant
Led Zeppelin is a good band. Also, he has “plant” in his name. It seems like a no-brainer, really. What else is there to do? Is he still alive? We’ll have to figure it out. Even if he’s dead we could really run with this one. We’ll keep you posted.
Well, that’s that. We’ve put our cards on the table. Those are our choices, but we’re happy to take suggestions. We’ve created a poll below. The very future of this company lies in your hands. Vote wisely and with a pure heart. This decision cannot be undone.